The title is true. Kind of. I don't go anywhere in the morning. But of my three alarm clocks, one of them is set to a Catholic station that broadcasts Mass every morning. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I sleep through most of it. This third alarm clock is situated outside of the heated portion of my sectioned-off bedroom. I have an unusually large bedroom and I cannot afford to heat it all. In fact, I heat only the portion of my house where my bed is, and the small office I work in. The rest of my house is freezing. So I never get up to turn this station off. It plays on, and I lay in comfort, listening and dosing. It is a proper Catholic Mass. There is singing (read chanting), through Him, with Him, in Him; it is right that we give thanks and praise; Christ has died, Christ has riiiiiiisen, Christ will coo-ooo-oooome again. The whole deal. I hear it every morning.

Before Mass there is a very Catholic talk show. This morning, they were talking about people with Celiac Disease. Basically, people with Celiac Disease cannot consume gluten. For more information on the disease you can follow the link. Apparently, The Holy Communion wafers or the Eucharist, are made from wheat. They contain gluten. Catholics with Celiac Disease who take communion will ingest gluten, which will eat away at the lining of their small intestines. Apparently, they cannot make a gluten free Communion wafer for these people because the recipe for the wafers was passed down from Jesus Christ himself. I was incredulous this morning as this conversation was taking place. The host of the talk show asked the expert she was interviewing if perhaps the Catholics with Celiac Disease didn't even have to worry about it as the Eucharist becomes the Body of Christ and would no longer contain gluten, as human flesh contains no gluten. Thankfully, the expert refuted that ridiculous idea and maintained that people with gluten sensitivities should not consume the wafers. But ... OMG, how fucking deluded can a person be?

You know what, people? September 11th ten years ago was tragic. A lot of people lost their lives because of a horrible tragedy that could have been avoided. Let's, for argument's sake, push aside all of the Conspiracy Theories that claim the Bush Administration planned and executed the attack. Let's call that idea crazy. It's still our Government's fault. The United States Government had information that, if acted upon, or even taken seriously, could have put a stop to the plans that were executed on that day and caused all those deaths. A couple of well-worded Google searches will lend you all the proof you need, if you're truly interested. The United States of America failed to put a stop to the attacks.

It was the unwanted and unneeded presence of American Military troops in the Middle East that caused the people who hate us to hate us. It wasn't "Becuz uf hour Freedums", as our then President so eloquently stated. It was bad military policy on the part of the United States Government which caused us to be hated. And let's not even worry about the fact that our Government trained Osama Bin Laden in the art of War.

After the war, instead of taking the message that we should just get out of that region and stop trying to police the world, worry about our own citizens and our own country's problems, of which there are many, and just mind our own goddamned business, we increased our activity in the Middle East, by a lot. And we increased the number of countries we were fucking with over there. I find this anti-bullying campaign rather funny. The United States of America is the biggest bully in the world.

We should have been humbled on that day. We should have taken that as a warning. They don't want anything unreasonable. They want our country to get our military out of their country. They hurt us on that day. They should have shown us all that we are not untouchable. That our military's actions as sanctioned by our Government do have consequences to the citizens of this country. That war doesn't always happen "Over There." War can happen over here, too. It can come to our own soil. And a good Government would have seen that ten years ago. A good Government would have negotiated with terrorists, and said, "Okay, we will take our troops out of your region, because there's no good reason for us to be there anyway." But instead, our Government raised the bat higher to take an even bigger swing at the hornet's nest ... and it still hasn't stopped.

So, pardon me if on September 11th I don't feel all gooey inside about my country. We should all remember September 11th, but we should not be waving flags and screaming about how great our country is. We should be rebelling and forcing the handful of people who make all our decisions for us to do what is right. September 11th is a day which should remind us all how much our Government sucked back then, and how much it still sucks today. We did all the wrong things leading up to and in reaction to those events. What are you people proud of, exactly? We couldn't have reacted more poorly.

Test

Today was my last day working in the office at work. It was supposed to be going home day. I was to start the day in the office, Then move my computer home around 11:00 am, then set it up, and finish out the day at home. That was how things were supposed to go. But my manager scheduled a meeting at 3:00 at which I had to meet with her and her boss to explain an error I got. So, I was told I had to stick around until three. I don't know why, by three I should have been considered a work at home employee and could have easily called into the meeting the way work at home employees do. But no, I had to stick around.

Today was supposed to be fun and exciting for me, getting my computer all packed up taking it home, setting it up and finally getting to work from home after waiting for so long. See, I've been waiting to work at home far longer than I've actually worked for the company. A couple of years longer. I used to do technical support for people that work from home for the company I now work for. They would call in, as I sat in my little cube having issues with their Internet connections and I would be bitter and jealous because I wanted to be doing what they were doing instead of what I was doing. It's been a long road, but I'm finally here. And today was supposed to be the exciting last steps to get to this point. It wasn't exciting. It wasn't fun.

I didn't care about having to meet with my boss and my boss's boss. Most people would be nervous, I guess, but I could care less, really. So, I made a mistake, big whoop. It was my first error and I've been there a year and a half, so, I wasn't sweating it. The only point of contention I had was that I had to stay in office until the meeting. My computer was packed up and moved to my car at 11:00 am, as planned. So, for the rest of the day, I had to use a computer at an unused desk, which had a tiny monitor, a trackball instead of a mouse, cramped space, no access to some of the software tools I use to do my job, and it sucked. I barely got any work done sitting there. But it was okay. I was just happy I'd be home before I clocked out for the day at 5:15ish.

Then I find out the meeting has been pushed back to 3:45, so I have to stay even longer. And at this point, it's really starting to wear on me. But it's okay, I'll still be able to get my computer set up in time and finish my day at home. Only, after the meeting, my boss tells me that since it's so close to the end of the day, she just wants me to finish the day in the office. So, I have to stay there the rest of the day, hardly got anything else done at all, because not only did the computer suck hairy nutsacks, but I was too pissed to even work. Not only did I have to wait until after five to leave, but I got cheated out of paid travel time. FUCK. Yeah, cheated out of it. Totally.

Then, as soon as I get clocked out, it starts pouring down. I usually have an umbrella with me in my bag, but I had put my bag in my car earlier, because I thought I was going home sooner. Then I had to walk through the rain, then drive in the pelting rain and hail with a bunch of idiots on the Interstate who were too dumb to understand that if they didn't chill they'd hydroplane, whoops, there goes another one sliding around. Fucking idiots.

I finally pulled into my driveway, soaking wet and pissed off at seven oh fucking clock at night and still had to set up my damned work computer so that I wouldn't have to fumble around with it in the morning before coffee. So, the day is over, I'm a work at home now. I don't have to drive in tomorrow, I just have to wake up and stumble across the hall to work. That makes me happy, but today sucked, and I feel like I was cheated out of the experience of my last day in the office. I hardly said bye to anyone when I left. I just ... left.

I don't know how long I've loved Jay. I know it's been longer than we've been together. Much longer. I loved Heather, I still do, but I think I loved Jay, too. I didn't realize that until after I was with Jay, though. Part of me knew. I was always just too happy to see new posts by him or to have a long email exchange with him. So, I think part of me knew, and I think that part of me kept me from getting too close to him. I think I knew that if I got too close to Jay, someone was going to get emotionally scarred, maybe two people, perhaps three, and I'd probably be one of them in any above scenario. I know I didn't trust myself to be alone with him. I know nothing would have happened, he's wonderful. He never would have made a move on me knowing I was involved with someone else, and I'd be too loyal to Heather to initiate anything. But driving home I'd have been disappointed nothing had happened, even though I hadn't expected something. But how many times of that would it take for me to just go for it one time? Or how many times could he stand me looking at him like I wanted him to kiss me before he caved and just did it? Who knows?

Maybe it wouldn't have happened if I had let myself get closer to him. But I know it would have been hard on me. I'd have made myself miserable. I'd be fighting with the guilt of feeling the way I did about Jay while I was with Heather, which would make me feel horrible. It was bad enough I was ignoring the strong desire to be with a male, I certainly didn't need to assign a face to him. Being a gay man doesn't mean that you think women are gross, at least not for me. I'm sure there are gay men out there who do think so, but they have the mentality of 13 year old girls, most of them, I won't say all because I don't like to over-generalize. Gay men can find women attractive. Gay men can find women sexy. Gay men can get very aroused by women, and gay men can fall in love with women. I'm gay. I'm bi. I'm gay. I'm bi. What are you, Kevin? You know, that's such a tough question. But I'm going with, I'm gay. I loved Heather as much as a human can love another, I enjoyed our relationship immensely. I was attracted to her, I was satisfied with her, and yes, I could have stayed with her for the rest of my life. And I'd have been happy. I would have, I'm not going to lie. But I'm gay. I knew it then, but I couldn't admit it, even to myself. I told myself I was bi. I told Heather I was bi. I thought it was the truth. And I felt more like myself with Heather than with anybody else because she knew I was bi, because she knew about my attraction to men. I told her way more than I should have about my interests, and I thought she was cool with it, but now I see I was hurting her, and I'm so sorry for that.

But the moment I realized I was single, though I was still telling myself I was going to get her back and I was going to do everything in my power to accomplish that end, who did I run to? It was Jay. I realized it was okay to get closer to Jay. I realized that it was okay to be alone with Jay, and God how I wanted to. Logic would dictate that in a time of personal crisis I would go running to Tony, who has been the most wonderful friend to me that a guy could ever have for twelve years now. Tony, who was there for me during the hardest times of my life. Anybody who knew me would know that I would turn to Tony first. But I turned to Jay. I told myself it was because Tony had supported me through my last breakup, and I didn't want to burden him with another, and because he'd had such a bad year already and I felt bad for not being there for him during his toughest times. I was an extremely self-involved person in the months, perhaps years, leading up to Heather breaking up with me. There were financial restraints. Gas was a problem. When you barely make enough to eat poorly and keep enough gas in your car to get to work and back, having a social life becomes a major issue. But I digress. I ran to Jay, because I had wanted to be closer to him and now I could be.

And now he's my boyfriend, and he loves me, too. He loves me intensely. I couldn't be happier. I love him so completely. I love the good and the bad. I love him for his perfections, and I love him for his flaws. He is beautifully flawed, and he's mine.

It's Thanksgiving, folks, and I'm thankful that I'm gay. I'm thankful that I have a wonderful boyfriend who is intelligent, artistic, talented, funny, and sexy. And I'm thankful that I'm free to be who I am.

I haven't been writing a lot, I know. But, that's about to change. I'm getting fired up again. First I hear this ridiculous non-negotiable nonsense, then the Rethuglicans (shut up, spell check, that's how I want it spelled) filibustering the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT). So, in the words of Levi Kreis, "Listen up, I got some shit to say."

I have trouble waking up in the mornings, anyone who knows me well knows this. I have three alarm clocks and my cell phone all set to staggered times so that I can't possibly sleep through them. Sometimes, sadly, I still do. But I digress, one of my alarm clocks is set to a Catholic radio talk show for two reasons. First, because it's the station that comes in loudest, second, because the things they say on that show are either going to crack me up or piss me off, either way, it wakes me up. The other day, I hear this advertisement for a packet that explains to Catholic voters the "5 Non-Negotiables". It explains that there are five issues that any serious Catholic must vote against. It says that voting in favor of a candidate who is at odds with even one of these "five non-negotiables" is a sin. Then it set about to name the five "non-negotiables", and I got so fired up that I immediately looked it up online to see what it was all about. What I found was just as disturbing as what I'd heard, a PDF file detailing the five non-negotiable issues, explaining carefully, as if to an audience of mentally challenged individuals, why Catholics cannot vote in support of these issues, nor vote for a candidate who supports any of them. In this seven part series, I will be tearing this document apart, practically line for line, as that's how completely wrong it is, and shoving truth against their lies.

According to the Catholic Church, the five "non-negotiables" are as follows:

• Abortion


• Euthanasia


• Fetal Stem Cell Research


• Human Cloning


• Homosexual "Marriage"

A couple of things might strike you instantly about this list, as they did me. First, I noticed that they put the word marriage in quotes, as if the mere idea of two gay people joined in matrimony is too much to handle. The second thing I noticed is the complete absence of Capitol Punishment. You'll notice that with the exception of gay marriage, all of these deal with what they consider the killing of a human being. Yet, apparently, they're okay with putting people to death, just as long as fags don't get married.

Most of these issues, all with the exception of gay marriage, are very touchy subjects, and I'll admit that I find it difficult to stand solidly on one side or the other. But the thing is, what I think, or what you think, doesn't matter one little bit. All that matters is what is right. They've put their side out there, here's mine:

The document starts off, as, I've found, most Catholic things do, with a request for money. Ah! We're already getting glimpses of the real motivation behind all of this! Think about this as you read: How does any of this benefit me, Kevin Paul Dicks, personally? What motivation might I have for saying these things? What do I stand to gain from pushing this point of view? And then ask yourself that question of my opposition. What do they have to gain? What is their motivation? You might now have what Square N' Failin' (sarah palin [typos mine, and intentional]) a "Gotcha!" moment. "Aha! But, Kevin, you have advertisements on your page, Sir! You stand to gain readers, who equal clicks, who equal dollars! You, too, Sir, have a monetary motivation!" Would that you were right! That would be fantastic! But it's not gonna happen. I know this because this site is now in its third year. The grand total dollar amount I have made off of ads on this site is: Zero point zero zero. That's right, not a penny. I'm not really holding my breath, and they'll likely be gone in the next site redesign, which is coming due soon. But I really, really digress, the first line states: "Millions of U.S. Catholics need this information desperately. But getting it to them will be costly. That's why we need your help! If you or your group want to distribute this voter's guide, just buy it in bulk at a discount. Or donate to our Mass Mail Project as we try to put a copy in every Catholic mailbox. And for your donation, we'll also send a packet of FREE voter's guides to you." So, lol, really laughing as I write this, sorry, ahem. Okay, so, lemme get this straight. I can either buy the books in bulk, or, I can give you money, and you can give me some books for FREE in return? Alright, well, that sounds perfectly ... insane and out of touch with reality, but okay. But, now that we have that completely not at all awkward, "Hi, nice to meet you, may I have some money," bit of the conversation out of the way, let's move on, shall we?

Next, after some contact information so you can give them money, which I will not include here, comes a "DISCLAIMER": "Nothing in this voter's guide should be construed as an endorsement of any particular candidate or political party." Right. Keep that in mind, because after you apply all of their rules, there's only one party available to you -- The Republican Party.

Now, they want to tell you how their document can help you personally, and it is cleverly titled, "How This Document Can Help You", in all caps, of course. Frankly, I'm surprised there wasn't ASCII art next to it of a pointing finger. This section states: "This voter's guide helps you cast your vote in an informed manner consistent with Catholic moral teaching. It helps you eliminate from consideration candidates who endorse policies that cannot be reconciled with moral norms that used to be held by all Christians." Wow. So, you mean, back before Catholics were better than all the other Christians? Back to when before you used to kill each other because your views slightly differed? When would that be, exactly? Notice, they also strongly imply that their politics are in line with "moral norms". They are so much in line with "moral norms" and so widely held, in fact, that they have to very carefully explain them to you ... you know, so you'll get it.

It goes on: "On most issues that come before voters or legislators, a Catholic can take one side or the other and not act contrary to his faith. Most matters do not have a 'Catholic position.'

But some issues are so key, so elemental, that only one position accords with the teaching of the Christian gospel. No one endorsing the wrong side of these subjects can be said to act in accord with the Church's moral norms." Wow. So, lemme see if I've got this right, if you disagree with the church, then you are not acting in accordance with the church's "moral norms." In short, if you don't buy into this 100%, hook, line, and sinker, You, sir or madam, are a Sinner!

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"Tell me, Child, what is your sin?"
"I voted for a Democrat."

It continues: "This voter's guide identifies five 'non-negotiable' issues and helps you narrow down the list of acceptable candidates, whether they are running for national, state, or local offices." Narrow down the list of acceptable candidates.

"Candidates who endorse or promote any of the five non-negotiables should be considered to have disqualified themselves from holding public office, and you should not vote for them. You should make your choice from among the remaining candidates." I, unlike them, don't need to explain every little thing to you, I don't believe you are mentally challenged. That sentence pretty much came right out and said it without even attempting to disguise their motives.

Next, they want to describe for you, once again in all caps, "Your Role As A Catholic Voter": "Catholics have a moral obligation to promote the common good through the exercise of their voting privileges (cf. CCC 2240)." Whoa! They have a dictate written for that? So, according to their official stance, yes, gentle readers, voting can be a SIN! "It is not just civil authorities who have responsibility for a country. 'Service of the common good require[s] citizens to fulfill their roles in the life of the political community' (CCC 2239). This means citizens should participate in the political process at the ballot box." And not voting can be a sin! Holy Cripes!

"But voting cannot be arbitrary. 'A well-formed Christian conscience does not permit one to vote for a political program or an individual law that contradicts the fundamental contents of faith and morals' (CPL 4)." Wow, this document is enlightening, it really is. Unfortunately for them, I don't think it's having quite the effect on me they want it to.

"Some things always are wrong, and no one may vote in favor of them, directly or indirectly. Citizens vote in favor of these evils if they vote in favor of candidates who propose to advance them. Thus, Catholics should not vote for anyone who intends to push programs or laws that are intrinsically evil."

Ya know, I have this funny feeling that they and I vastly disagree on what is and what is not "intrinsically evil". Stay tuned for part two, where we delve into the first of these five "non-negotiables" and tackle the tricky subject of abortion.

I have been so tired all day today. I don't know if it's because I'm getting over a cold or if I just didn't get good sleep last night. Or maybe it's because I missed my morning coffee and didn't get my first dose of caffeine until around 10:00am and that from extremely inferior coffee ... the kind they give you for free at work. I had trouble keeping my eyes open, and had my eye on the clock the entire day just waiting for 5:30 when I could leave. Of course, at the same time I was yearning for 5:30 and wishing it were upon me, I was dreading it at the same time, because I knew I had to make the one hour drive home. I wanted to be in bed with one arm slung around Jay. I wanted to just lay there with him for hours in a super-relaxed state somewhere between awake and asleep.

I get half my wish. I'm home now, in bed, with the laptop. Watching a movie (Were The World Mine: When his drama teacher casts him as Puck in his school's upcoming production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream," Timothy [Tanner Cohen] turns in an inspired performance, whipping up a fittingly Shakespearean love potion with the power to turn people gay. He begins, of course, with the school jock -- the object of his affection. Tom Gustafson directs this unconventional movie-musical based on his award-winning short film, "Fairies.") until I get too tired to pay attention to it anymore. I don't get Jay tonight, though. I'd love to be over at his house tonight, but I really need to stay here with Bing tonight. Not to mention, going to his house would be a 20 minute drive. Of course, a 20 minute drive would be well worth being able to spend the evening with Jay and fall asleep with him, but really I'd just distract him. He's editing a video he shot on Sunday. It's going to be awesome when he's all done with it. I'd pull his attention away from that, get him distracted, and then probably pull him to bed before he was ready since I'm so tired and he didn't have to work to day and so got to sleep in.

But that's okay. Ten minutes after I set this computer aside and turn off the light, I'm going to be asleep and I'm not going to know whether I'm here or at Jay's or whether he's next to me or not. And the light's probably going to go off pretty soon. This movie is interesting, but I just can't seem to keep my eyes open.

I am in desperate need of the catharsis one experiences upon slitting someone's throat with a razor-sharp blade followed by the joy and elation obtained from watching the life drift from their eyes turning them to dead, glassy orbs as I am filled with the energy that used to animate their fresh corpse.

Since I can't do that, I'm going to smoke some pot and watch a gruesome slasher flick. I'll be rooting for the fellow with the knife and giggling with immense glee as the blood of the "innocents" flows.

I envy a person who can hear their alarm go off, turn it off, and get up out of bed, ready to start the day. I live by the snooze button. It is my best friend in the morning. Well, it and my coffee. I'd marry it if congress would hurry up and pass that bill legalizing marriage between humans and alarm clock buttons. They'll have to legalize polygamy as well, because I have three snooze buttons.

I've always had an issue with waking up. When I was in high school I took my alarm clock apart and snipped the wires that led to the speaker. I ran the wires into an old car stereo amplifier powered by a 12 volt transformer I had rigged, then I ran that into my stereo system. It woke everyone else in the house up ... but somehow I managed to sleep right through it.

These days I use three alarm clocks all set to slightly different times. One of them is called the Sonic Boom. It is extra loud and it has an added component that vibrates my bed when it goes off. One is a CD alarm clock loaded up with the Ween CD, "La Cucaracha". The first track on that disk is an instrumental called "Fiesta" and I am treated to trumpets and horns. The third alarm clock is set to the only radio station it will broadcast loudly without static, which is some weird catholic station. Every single morning they have some creepy old person -- really not sure of the gender -- reciting the Hail Mary with a chorus of unenthusiastic children repeating after it. It sounds like the dead reciting the Hail Mary, and I swear to God it's one of the single creepiest things I've heard in my entire life. I always seem to wake up when it's playing, and I lunge for the snooze button on that side of the bed to make it stop.

They are set to slightly different times so that one will go off, then the other, then the other, and I constantly have to keep turning them off, which should stop me from going back to sleep. But it doesn't. I lay there, turning them off one by one and catching a few minutes of sleep between each. Sometimes I wake up with them all going off at once. And I hit them on the snooze, one, two, three, replacing the cacophony with silence and knowing I have five whole minutes before I hear anything again. One would think the annoyance this causes would drive me to say, "Fuck with this," turn them all off, get out of bed and pour my coffee. But it doesn't. I play "Silence the Cacophony" for about two hours every morning. No wonder I'm cranky when I finally make the decision to get up.

The last few weeks have been kind of hectic and draining. Last Wednesday I wrecked my car. Hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, down a hill, into a pole. I wasn't hurt. The car was. I spent nearly a week with my brother-in-law trying to fix it. Had to replace the radiator. Sounds simple enough, but it wasn't. Ran into all kinds of problems. The car is running again, but it's not as pretty as it was. Then, this week I got sick. Had a pretty bad cold. I still have it, but it's not so bad anymore. My head is still stuffy, still dizzy from time to time, but the incessant coughing has mostly stopped and the fever is gone. Unfortunately Jay caught it.

Work is going okay. It will be much better when I can work from home, but I can deal with this right now. The day goes by fairly quickly, I'm learning more about how to do my job properly every day. They provide a pretty wide learning curve and give you plenty of time to get up to speed.

Despite car wrecks and financial worries and being sick, I'm doing well. I have a job, my car works, I have a house, I'm in a relationship that makes me happy. I don't really have much I can complain about. I do anyway. I'm good at complaining. I'm trying not to so much. I want to start focusing more on the good things in my life. I figure, we all have good things and bad things in our lives. Now and always. In the past, and the present, I've found myself concentrating more on the bad stuff. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to enjoy the good things that I have, because there are plenty of them. Life is full of pain and misery, but it is also full of joy and happiness. I think I'd rather spend my time on the latter. I get so tired of being bitter and angry ... it's just a natural predisposition. I need to actively focus on things that make me happy instead of obsessing about the bad stuff.

Like, Saturday was good. Me and Jay, and my sister and her husband went out. We went bowling and then to eat at Palominos. We played two games of bowling and I came in last both games, but it was still fun. And the food was good at Palominos. Also, I just had a good time spending time with people that I love. Actually, the whole weekend was good, aside from me being sick and then Jay getting sick. Mostly we just finished watching season six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I had thought it was going to be a busy weekend, with a party on Friday, the Saturday plans, and then a party on Sunday, but both parties were canceled. I enjoyed the relaxing weekend with Jay, and I'm hoping next weekend neither of us are sick.